Sunday, October 2, 2011

Some Things Aren't as Awesome as They Seem

Recently, I was asked to identify a knitting project that I was well-admired by others, but that I found disappointing.  It took a little thought - for the most part, the projects that get admiration are well-loved by me, too.  I'm probably even saying "LOOK HOW AWESOME MY SCARF IS!"  But they haven't all been successes, and some projects are surprisingly sneaky in how evil the really are.

Old pic is old.  Sriuz face is sriuz.
I already know what you're thinking.  No you can't have it.  If I gave it to you you would wonder what you did to make me punish you so badly, plus it's not mine to give away, since I threw it at the back of a donation truck and jumped in the bushes so they couldn't find me to give it back (they probably could have recognized me by my He-Man haircut, which is why I hid).  I dare not speak its name 3 times, lest it appear.

What's wrong with it?

1) It's riddled with errors, very few of which are my fault.  The pattern does a lot of assuming.  I don't mean that it assumes you know what you're doing.  That's a moot point.  It assumes IT knows what's it's doing as it has you "continue in pattern" even though things have CHANGED.  An obvious example of this is the cable - at the top it just stopped crossing, because I had decreased a lot of stitches and the cable was that entire panel.  Also note the yarn overs next to the button band.  They just end like a critically acclaimed yet poorly rated show on Fox (but I still wanted to watch that).

2) Bulky yarn and bulky sweaters don't hide ANYTHING.  The easiest way to make a bulky sweater even bulkier?  Seams.  Which this sweater totally has.  Please be sure to look at the seam around the sleeve and observe the bulk.  One smart decision I made?  Not putting on the front pockets, which sit right at your hips and make you look swollen.  This thing was also warmer than my Winter coat.  I live in California.

3) The yarn choice is at least partially my fault.  First of all it's pink (what was I thinking?), it's single ply so was one big rubby disaster waiting to happen, and it shed like a cat in Summer.  Due to my terrible color choice, this sweater looked best with a black shirt, which was officially a pink shirt by the end of the day, even if I just sat in the same room as the damn thing.  I don't want to think about how much of this sweater I inhaled.  I keep waiting for the daytime lawyer commercials to address it - "Do you, or someone you know, suffer from symptoms of sheddy bulky wooly sweaters?  Don't wait!  We can help!  Not valid in New York State."

I could go on, but I've gotten to a point where I really don't want to talk about it anymore; it's making my blood pressure rise and my teeth itchy.  Suffice it to say, all my projects haven't been perfect and bragworthy, all that sheds all over your stuff is not gold, and I hope some day I can forget this monstrosity.  To the person that picked it up in a charity shop - I'm so sorry.